TW: mentions of violations of consent, sexual assault and sexual harassment.
Hello everyone! We hope you are all doing well. This week’s portion is Vayera, and it’s a big one! So much happens in this portion including the birth of Isaac, Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac which ultimately proves his devotion to G-d, the destruction of the town of Sodom, and so much more. While we wish we could talk about it all with you, we’re just going to focus on one part of the portion. The exciting thing is, this is a part of the portion we think doesn’t get much attention because…well, it’s kind of “taboo.” Have we caught your attention yet? Good! Let’s dive on in.
So, in this portion, we meet Lot, his wife, and their two daughters. They live in a town called Sodom and it’s not a very good place. Everyone in the town of Sodom is mean, except for Lot. G-d plans to destroy Sodom but spares Lot and his family. As they flee they are told not to look back at the destruction of their former home, but Lot’s wife doesn’t listen. As they are fleeing, she turns back and is turned into a pillar of salt.
Lot and his two daughters take shelter in a cave. I would imagine they are pretty traumatized by the destruction of their home and the demise of their wife/mother because what happens next isn’t too pretty. As the story goes, Lot’s daughters believed that the entire world was destroyed and they were the only people left on earth. So, they did what they thought was the only logical thing….they got their father drunk and used him to get pregnant. So their sons are also their half-brothers? Listen, I warned you this part is messy and we don’t really talk about it often for a reason. The story continues, but we’re going to stop here and focus on this one part.
This week we want to talk about something very important, consent. When reading the portion, it should be clear that this act was not consensual. Lot did not agree to sleeping with his daughters and therefore was a victim of sexual assault. The Torah states, “That night they made their father drink wine, and the older one went in and lay with her father; he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.” (Genesis 19:33) The next night, the youngest daughter did the same thing, “That night also they made their father drink wine, and the younger one went and lay with him; he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.” (Genesis 19:35) I cannot stress enough just how not okay this whole situation was.
You cannot do something to or with someone without their consent, nor can you pressure someone into giving their consent. And just so we’re all on the same page consent is defined by Oxford Languages as “n. permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. v. give permission for something to happen.” Lot clearly did not give his consent and was not fully aware of what was going on. Consent has to be voluntary (you cannot pressure or force someone to give their consent), specific (the consent needs to match the act; if someone agrees to hug you they aren’t also automatically giving their consent to kiss you and if someone agrees to kiss you they aren’t automatically giving their consent to have sex with you), ongoing (just because someone agrees to do something once doesn’t mean they agree to it all the time, you have to get their consent every time), enthusiastic (they should be giving their consent because they want to not because they feel like they have to), and can be taken away at any time if someone is feeling uncomfortable/doesn’t want to continue. I know this can be a lot to take in, so here is a graphic from the Victims Rights Law Center to help you understand a little better. They also offer deeper definitions and more information on other topics such as dating violence and stalking which you can read if you follow the link.
Planned Parenthood also used the acronym FRIES to help remember and understand the rules of consent. This link focuses specifically on sexual consent and provides deeper definitions and more examples.
Not everything from the Torah is right, and that is very clear from this story. We know what Lot’s daughters did was wrong and in today’s society they would (hopefully) be sent to jail for their crime (though our justice system has its faults which we won’t go into today) because they did commit a crime. They sexually assaulted their father. While we do learn valuable lessons from the Torah, we need to remember not to take things as is. Just because it is written in the Torah, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. So, next time someone decides to be homophobic or something and quote the bible, you can just bring up this portion and ask, “So are you cool with incest and assault too? Because that’s in the bible.”
Talk about consent has become more prevalent in the last few years. We’ve all heard about the Me Too movement. This movement was founded in 2006 by Tarana Burke and brought to the forefront of social issues in 2017 when many actresses shared their stories of sexual harassment and assault in the film industry. While this movement was made “popular” by women in the film industry, anyone from any walk of life can be a victim of sexual assault and harassment and anyone can be a perpetrator.
A very relevant pop culture reference for this topic is Amanda’s favorite show, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. For 21 seasons (season 22 is premiering next week) this show has addressed consent, sexual assault and harassment, and hate crimes. While the show is fictional, the topics it takes on and the education and healing it has provided for people is very real. SVU’s Season 21 premiere and finale dove head first into the Me Too Movement with the episodes I’m Going to Make You a Star and The Things We Have to Lose. These episodes being just a snippet of how real life makes it onto the screen with this series.
Some people choose not to watch SVU because of it’s graphic content, but some survivors of sexual assault and advocates of decreasing sexual violence have found it extremely educational. A study conducted by Stacey J. T. Hust for the Journal of Health Communication found that, “exposure to the Law & Order franchise is associated with decreased rape myth acceptance and increased intentions to adhere to expressions of sexual consent and refuse unwanted sexual activity” (Hust, et. al., 2015). SVU has always been clear about the definition of consent and it’s “graphic” nature has taught many what sexual assault looks like and helped victims realize what happened to them.
Captain Olivia Benson, and every character to have graced the SVU set, has always been an advocate for survivors and has encouraged them to tell their stories. These detectives are relentless in their pursuit of justice for victims. In ADA Rafael Barba’s first episode, Twenty Five Acts, a young writer, Jocelyn Paley, is assaulted multiple times by a famous talk-show host, Adam Cain. The detectives do everything they can to make sure that Jocelyn feels safe to share her story and to prove that Cain is a terrible person who is capable of sexual assault. To prove Cain’s short temper and need for dominance, Barba goes so far as to have Cain choke him with a belt in court. This wins him the case, and shows viewers that, while the show is fictional, there are people who will do anything to help survivors get justice.
Not only is consent necessary, but it’s necessary in every situation. No matter the status of the parties involved in an encounter, consent is necessary. As ADA Barba puts it in the same episode, “Whether you’re a john in the South Bronx, $3-million-a-year talk show host, no means no”.
No amount of power, money, or status makes it okay for someone to hurt another human being in that way. More specifically relating to this week’s Torah portion, being related to someone does not allow you to touch someone without their consent. You don’t need to hug and kiss Aunt Martha just because she’s your aunt. You don’t need to play with Cousin Johnny if you don’t want to. You don’t need to engage with people you don’t want to just because they’re family.
Not only does Law and Order: Special Victims Unit flow into real life with the cases the squad takes, but also with Mariska Hargitay’s charity. When she first started on the show, Mariska Hargitay received thousands of letters from survivors disclosing their stories and how her role as Captain (then Detective) Olivia Benson helped them cope with their experiences. Hargitay was inspired to help these survivors so she started the Joyful Heart Foundation. The Joyful Heart Foundation’s mission is to, “transform society’s response to sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse, support survivors’ healing, and end this violence forever”.
Their efforts include helping to heal survivors, heal those who help survivors, bring awareness to the assault that men and boys can be victims of and helping to end the rape kit backlog. A documentary about their work to end the rape kit backlog, I Am Evidence, was released in 2017 and is still available for viewing.
We know the topics of this post are a bit different than what we usually talk about, but this is something we are both passionate about. We felt like this is an important lesson to share and didn’t want to shy away from this “taboo” part of this week’s portion. This week is big for our country and it is important now more than ever to remember to treat one another with kindness and respect (which of course includes consent). We need to lift each other up and support one another.
We’ll see you next week!
Love,
Amanda & Marissa
